How to Stay Married to an Extrovert During Quarantine

It’s officially been two months since the shelter in place order went into effect for my husband’s job site, which means it’s been two months of a lot more time together, with a lot less options for things to do. I am grateful he started back to work this week, and he was able to work some part-time on another project while his primary job site was shut down. Now that he’s back to work, I am reflecting on the effects the last two months had on our marriage.

You’ve probably seen lots of Covid marriage memes floating around on the internet, some of them being hilarious, while others in my opinion were heartbreaking. Don’t get me wrong it was a challenging season to be thrown into, with no choice of our own, but also such a unique time we were blessed with together. So, let’s try to see the silver lining folks.

If you know me and my husband, then you know we are total opposites. We may have similar interests and passions, but our personalities could not be more different. For you personality test fans; he is an ESTJ and I am an INFP; he is an Enneagram 3 and I am an Enneagram 9. Literally opposite, no exaggerations. With that said, I do think we compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses so well and have always been super compatible because of our willingness to communicate well.

Here are my tips for how to stay married to an extrovert during quarantine.

1. 1. Give Each Other Space.

      Now this is probably more for me, the introvert, than for the extroverts BUT I do think it goes both ways. The shelter in place changed the dynamic of the way we live, where we can go, what we can do, and who we can do things with. With limited options, we found it to be really important to find ways to give each other space, aka time to ourselves, especially if you have kids.
      Extroverts do thrive on being around others, but even extroverts need some alone time now and again, or even just time to talk with their friends. Just give them some space, they will thank you.The introverted spouses will also be way less stressed and overwhelmed when they are able to find moments to recharge so to speak.

   2. Communicate with Intention.

      Vulnerability alert! If I’m being 100% honest, I will admit I’m the worst at this one. Most arguments begin in our relationship when one or both of us either, a) didn’t communicate at all, b) assumed the other would get the hint, aka communicated passive aggressively, or c) simply misunderstood what the other one was trying to communicate.
      The reason I say communicate with intention, is because it’s about more than just communicating clearly, but also being aware of what, why, and how you want to communicate.  If I just said, “Hey babe, can you make dinner tonight?” While that may be clear, it is lacking the full intention, the “why” behind the request. So instead, I could say, “Hey babe, can you make dinner tonight so I can focus on cleaning the rest of the house?” or “ Hey babe, I am really not feeling well. Could you help make dinner tonight?” When we communicate with intention, it takes out the room for assumptions and guesswork from our spouse, which can become a source of frustration.

   3. Leave Room for Mistakes.

      Let’s be real for a second, no one is going to get it right 100% of the time, so let’s choose to have a little grace for our spouse and ourselves. If you’re also in an introvert/extrovert marriage, then you know it takes effort to consider that your spouse may respond differently than you in the midst of this pandemic. Help your spouse hear from you, instead of making them guess at what you need or don’t need.

      Keep in mind,they won’t always get it right, and neither will you, so let yourselves make mistakes. Be kind in how you respond to each other, and if you mess up or lash out, apologize. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on how you’re feeling and what you might need, then try to come up with a productive, non-confrontational way to communicate that feeling or need. That leads me to my next point.

   4. Take the Focus Off of You.
      

      
      It’s great to communicate what you need, but don’t forget to listen. As an introvert by nature,  I have a natural tendency to focus inward. If I’m not careful, I can forget that there’s this whole other external world going on around me. It’s so important to shift your focus from “me” to “we” or simply to others. Take time to consider how your spouse is feeling and how they are experiencing your stresses. I am super guilty of stressing out and taking it out on my spouse in the way I’m speaking.
      Let’s all agree no one likes to be snapped at verbally, even if it is coming from stress or hormones or hunger. So if you struggle with this like I have, remember to shift your perspective to how your behaviors and emotions could be affecting your spouse. Take ownership of your struggle and remember only you are responsible for your actions or reactions. Marriage is remembering to think of your spouse’s needs as just as or more important than your own.

   5. Take a nap or eat a snack.

      Ok, I know this isn’t always possible if you’re a parent, but the snack part is easy if you can keep your kids from snatching it up of course. I keep seeing the meme about God telling Elijah to sleep and eat, and it is so true. Resting and meeting a need are a great way to reset your mind, so you can move forward with clearer, non- hangry thinking. If you’re feeling stressed or worried by this shelter in place and it’s causing frustration in your marriage, take some time to rest, eat a meal together, and then try to revisit the issue at hand with a clear head.

Raise your hand if you’re an introvert that needs to hear this! I know I was preaching to myself while writing this post. I know it can be hard to shift your focus and perspective, especially when your circumstances and surroundings aren’t changing (like this shelter in place), but if you take a little extra time and intention, you can have truly flourishing relationships even in the midst of challenging circumstances. So if you’re an introvert married to an extrovert or vice versa, remember that our differences can make us stronger when we communicate with intention and remember to shift the focus off of ourselves.

Share with me in the comments below! What has been the hardest part about the shelter in place order? Have you felt closer to your spouse or has it been a struggle?