If you’ve been pregnant or given birth during COVID, then you know all too well that prenatal and postnatal care have something to be desired. I know our doctors and nurses have been thrown for a loop with all of the changing regulations and new strains of the virus, but this does not change the fact that mothers deserve the utmost care, and so do their babies.
I gave birth with gestational diabetes
It was day 3 in the hospital, after giving birth to my fourth child. If you haven’t read the first part of my birth story, you can read it here:GIVING BIRTH DURING THE PANDEMIC: MY COVID BIRTHSTORY. During pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was positive for group B strep so hospital policy was to keep us for observation for 2 days after birth. But today was the day I was going home!
The medical team was not on the same page
The resident had just come in to tell me today was the day we were going home, but when the pediatrician came in, she had other news. My baby was losing too much weight. Those words stung like a knife straight to the heart, but I held it together while she explained the plan. We were to wait till 4pm that day to do another weight check and in the meantime she suggested supplementing with formula.
Providers should not be surprised my emotional mothers
It was then that I began to cry, while the pediatrician, her group of residents and the nurses watched. She tried telling me it would be ok, but seemed surprised and uncomfortable with my reaction. I asked if I could try to pump to supplement feedings, before introducing formula and she agreed, while giving the nurse looks clearly showing she did not have faith in my suggested method.
Every postpartum recovery experience is different- even the 4th time around
I had 4 vaginal births with no epidural. I breastfed all of my babies, so surely I would have no problems this time, right? WRONG. I am in no way against formula feeding, but that was not my plan. I had successfully breastfed 3 other children and was going to do the same this time around, so I thought.
So as I sat in my hospital bed, alone- yet surrounded by hospital staff, I wept.
Covid Hospital Birth Policies set up mothers for emotional distress
Alone? You see-another fun hospital policy during covid was I was only allowed 1 visitor. So when my husband left to go be with our other 3 children I was alone. So yes, I ugly cried off an on- for hours. Not only because my plan to breastfeed was not going how I expected, but also because I was alone and all I wanted to do was go home. I missed my other kids, I missed my husband and I was left to make important decisions around pumping and supplementing- alone.
After attempting to pump and not yet producing enough milk, I resorted to supplementing with formula just so I could go home that day. You see, my baby wasn’t below 10% weight loss yet, and I knew my milk would be coming in very soon. I also knew we could manage weight checks at home with our pediatrician as I had done with one of my other babies.
A crying mother is not always a depressed mother
Apparently crying after giving birth sends a red flag to nurses and hospital staff for postpartum depression, because not long after working with the lactation consultant, I had another unexpected “visitor.” A social worker.
When he came in and wanted to chat, I was thinking- Oh great now they think I’m crazy and depressed. I knew deep in my soul that I was nowhere near needing this type of intervention, so in an effort to not set off any more red flags, I lied.
I put on a smile and acted calm while we walked to a conference room while rolling my baby in her hospital bassinet along with us. Inside I was screaming, “I don’t need this!” And “I just want to go home,” but I knew I needed to check all of the healthy boxes, including mental health before I would be officially discharged. I was not happy or calm, but I listened to his information about mental health resources, smiled and nodded so I could get back to my room as quickly as possible.
I somehow managed to pull myself together long enough for that conversation to seem normal and understanding, even though I was exhausted and overwhelmed. While I do value mental health and absolutely advocate for moms seeking help for PPD, I knew this was NOT it for me. So I lied through my teeth with a fake grin and calm voice, and never batted an eye to think of doing it any other way.
I wasn’t worried by my flowing tears because I had just given birth- for the 4th time. I knew that for me some of this was completely normal and expected.
Can we normalize crying during postpartum recovery?
I know that excessive crying can legitimately be a sign of postpartum depression, but also the first few das and weeks after birth are full of fluctuating hormones, emotions and adjustments.
While I typically advocate for honesty 100% of the time and my husband and I actually joke about how I’m a terrible liar, did I feel bad about my conversation with the social worker? Absolutely not. I was a mother on a mission to get me and my baby home. Navigating postpartum life alone is not it and I hope & pray that our healthcare system will figure out a way to better support moms during this delicate season of motherhood.
When I was finally able to go home, I was welcomed by my sweet husband and children. Thankfully, this being my 4th we had everything we needed. I used some formula for a couple of days while my milk came in, and had all of my postpartum essentials to get me through my postpartum recovery, as well as all of the essentials for baby. If you’re still putting together your baby registry, I highly recommend using Babylist.com. You can add your registries from different stores and items from any site making it easy to share with friends and family! These are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission should you choose to sign up or purchase an item, at no additional cost to you.
If you’ve given birth I would love to hear about your experience! How emotional were you? Did you have bursts of emotions during your postpartum recovery? I love connecting with other moms and I hope this helps you feel a little less alone in your motherhood journey. Thank you so much for reading my story!
